Chris Thompson   Chris Thompson on the internet

I thought it fitting to write about a funny little website, which I have stumbled across only now. It is Help.com’s list of funny metaphors used in high school essays across America.

Technically, I suppose, a lot of them are similes rather than metaphors, but they are nonetheless hilarious, and really brightened up my evening.

I particularly like this one: “He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.”

But, equally, they are all funny. And some of them are wonderfully accurate and concise: “The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.” You would struggle to write something better than that.

In a way, it is a sort of revolution: a complete disregard for everything that is pretentious and uptight about writing. Sometimes, through using simple images, and uncomplicated sentences, you can create something truly brilliant. And, in this case, routinely funny.

I think that I might take one of these lines as inspiration for a story or something. Or, at the very least, come up with some of my own similes and metaphors along the same lines.

What a brilliant little website.

In some of my recent blogs, I wrote about the advances of technology, and I wrote about Clash of the Titans, but I would like to write a little bit about both of them together. Because as I was driving back from the film, and stuck in the rush-hour traffic of the early evening, I thought a lot about both.

Movies are, themselves, fairly recent developments all things considered. But when you strip everything away, they are really just a modern form of mythcraft. A modern form of storytelling. They are a throwback to times where bards and storytellers were the entertainment go-to-guys, and listening to stories told around a fire, or in a pub, was the thing to do.

With the advances in special effects and technology that permeate the medium, things develop and change and evolve, but the more they change, the more it becomes apparent that the core of a film itself stays the same.

The story; the heart of the movie, is just that: a story. And you can wrap it up in motion picture and fancy effects, but it’s still just a story. We pay to be engrossed in adventure, just like our ancestors, in ages before us, would have paid to hear their stories.

And that’s quite an interesting thing, I think.

I experienced a 3D film for the first time today. It was a surreal, wonderful experience; but the adverts at the beginning of the film were by far better than the 3D in the film itself. I actually found myself blinking and moving back slightly as objects shot out at me, and that, I think, is a remarkable thing.

It’s like those accounts of the very first motion picture, of a train coming towards the screen. The audience allegedly ran out screaming, because they were not used to the technology, and it looked, to them, like they were about to get hit by the train.

The film of choiceIt was Clash of the Titans, and I was looking forward to it a lot. The first 1981 epic, I have always thought, got by on its effects – so here was a remake that Hollywood couldn’t ruin by favouring effects over story. It felt like the film it should have been all those years ago.

The audience is introduced to Argos, where the people have lost faith in the gods. Statues are hauled down, and men and women are starving their creators of their prayers in protest.

Zeus (Liam Neeson) is obviously not keen on this, and sends his brother Hades, brilliantly depicted by Ralph Fiennes, to wreak havoc; creating a burning hatred in Perseus, our hero, and sparking his quest for vengeance.

And the world that he travels is fairly well done, with its decaying buildings and craggy cliffs. It looks impressive both up close and high above the clouds, from the home of the gods. But it’s probably not worth forking out extra to see it in 3D: the technology is used sparingly, dotted here and there, and feels like an afterthought.

The monsters (and in particular Medusa) are very well done; and the result is a film that ticks most of the blockbuster boxes, and breezes by in flash of thrills. And there was even a charming nod to the original, about halfway through.

It is amazing how far technology has come.

Norwich called yesterday (I had heard about a particular shop there, but I also just wanted to look around). It’s a few hours away from where I live, so was a day trip. The kind of day trip that’s one point brave and two parts foolish: I had never been there before, had no idea where anything was, and – since I was getting the train there – it came with a very real risk of getting lost.

Thankfully, I didn’t get lost. Every bit of that is down to my phone, which has Google maps on it, and a tremendously useful GPS.

It’s with phones, much more than anything else, I think, that this James Bond-ish quality of the modern technology really comes into its own.

Of course, there are some things that business and office telephone systems can do better. There are some that can do all sorts of ridiculous things – much more than the simple offering of broadband. And that’s another mark of how far technology has come.

It’s a little bit like the tech that the new BT television systems are offering: TV on demand, and some I’ve seen are even offering 3D capabilities, that sort of thing. And if the movie experience in the cinema is anything to go by, that is going to be something worth keeping an eye on: I remember being forced to blink and move back slightly when objects were flying out of the screen towards me, the other day.

But smartphones are still the thing that impress me the most. What they can offer you in something so small, stashed away in your pocket is quite frankly mind-boggling. Most of it comes down to internet on the go. It is the stage for everything else to build upon.

It’s not like that mobile broadband you can get, where you shove a usb stick into a laptop, and tend to battle with fluttering, unstable connections and tediously slow speeds. It’s easy. It’s simple. It’s automatic.

And there is a beauty in that. I think I’m more impressed with my mobile than I was with my first Panasonic digital cordless phone, which was a bit of a lifesaver, if you recall.

We went to the cinema to celebrate today, because it was my dad’s birthday. And it really was rather nice. Nice because it was a sort of throwback, wonderful time. Nice because all the family were together. And nice, too, because there has been a new cinema complex built nearby, and it meant we didn’t have to travel very far.

The film of choice was Solomon Kane, which I hadn’t even heard of before today. But apparently it’s based on some fantastic stories by Robert E. Howard. I don’t think things often work like this, but I’m certainly going to check out the fiction after having seen the movie. It was a brilliantly dark, gothic tale of retribution and love, with some really striking imagery.

Of course, I won’t spoil it for anyone who has yet to see it, but I will say that the scene with the Devils Reaper was particularly effective.

And yet, one of the best moments wasn’t even the film itself. It was before the film, while we were watching trailers. For the most part the adverts were dull, or gruesome. The films weren’t particularly appealing. But then came an advert for Clash of the Titans, and, instantly, I was hooked.

The music pounded out of the speakers, a booming, rock soundtrack that somehow seemed fitting.

A bearded Liam Neeson portrayed Zeus, and the actor who plays Lord Voldemort was Hades. That alone had me interested. The monsters, the action, the mythical tale and setting solidified it in my mind as something to watch out for.

It’s the sort of film that’s right up my street. I loved the original, and that only really got by on its special effects – in its time, probably revolutionary, and now almost a source of comedy. So I’m not overly concerned that this remake will be ruined by any lack of story that seems a common theme among modern cinema.

I’m doing my post-graduate course at what is essentially a college. And this, in one way at least, is a good thing: I get all the school holidays, when they roll around. There are plenty of downsides, of course, but the holidays, at least, are brilliant.

Last week, I had a week off for half-term, despite only having been at college for two weeks.

Of course it went by altogether too quickly. But it also gave me a taste of freedom that I haven’t really had since university. I went zorbing, which was insane. And it’s made me incredibly excited for the Easter holiday, and the Summer holiday especially. In fact, I’m determined to make this summer as adrenaline-filled as possible.

My friends recently went to Go Ape, which sounds good fun, and they are apparently already planning to go again. I might hop on the bandwagon.

But more so than that, I’m keen to go paintballing. Like monkeying around at Go Ape, I’ve never actually been paintballing before: but there is a certain something about running around with friends and toy guns that is more appealing.

I pitched the idea to my brother, who also threw in the go-karting notion. There is a track nearby that is offering half-price deals on races, so long as you bring enough people. I doubt whether that will still be going in a few months time, but racing itself is certainly brilliant fun.

It will be nice, I think, to celebrate in such a fashion once all the work is done.

I thought I would do one more blog before bed (and boy, am I looking forward to bed after last night). Because I had a few friends round for drinks this evening, and, strangely, they were very complimentary about my phones. Which is an odd thing to be complimentary about, I think, but there you go.

At least they were complimentary about something. But it’s one of those things that just sort of caught me; made me smile. And so here I am, rambling about it.

I told them I was with BT. And that BT are pretty rubbish. But then I suppose when you live out in the middle of nowhere, most phone and broadband services will be pretty bad. Still, it was more the handsets that they liked; what, with their fancy (though unused) buttons, and a look about them that says: I do more than ring people. They are those fancy dect cordless phones.

They had never considered buying telephones online before, which is where I got my ones from. There is a phone shop in our local town, and it’s usually well-stocked, and pretty good for whatever you need. But the possibilities with online are limitless. You can browse tonnes of phones, and eventually find that extra special hub or handset.

Sometimes, they even throw in deals. Discounts on business and ADSL lease lines, and that sort of thing. And, of course, the big ones to look out for are internet deals, because there are so many bargains to be had that save you money. Certain UK ISP’s, like Zen, are often good for that.
But when I go into a shop… I don’t know. If there are no deals advertised, I don’t feel confident enough to ask for a discount or to haggle or barter. Which is why, often, online is the way forward – for me, at least.

I saw the new year in last night with family, and with friends. And I ended up watching Glastonbury highlights at three in the morning, too tired to go to bed.

But now that I’ve slept, and now that things have settled in a little bit, I find it quite strange to sit back and think that today is the first day of a new decade. I remember seeing in the new year in 2000, but back then there were other things taking the headlines: there was the threat of the millennium bug, an air of paranoia around the potential collapse of computers and electronics. I was young, in the 90’s, a kid, and I didn’t look back on it, or think about it much – the year 2000 was just another new year.

But this, this is strange. A lot has happened in the 00’s. I’ve gone through secondary school, sixth form, and university. I finished my education, and strode out into the big wide world. It was a period in time where I realised what I wanted to do, and set about making it happen.

Here, at the outset of 2010, at the beginning of a new decade, I’m in position to live my dream. I’m in a position to write, and to tell stories, whether it’s fiction, or journalism, or any other form of writing – I just need to start getting down to it.

The naughties was a wonderful decade, a really important decade for me, personally. It has established this new decade as one for the taking, and I’m looking forward to taking it and making the most of it, if that makes sense.

I hope everyone had a terrific time celebrating, wherever you might be, whatever you might have been doing. I did, and although I’m still feeling particularly tired, I’m feeling very satisfied and happy.

I hope you’ve had a wonderful Christmas wherever you are, if you celebrate it. Here, with my family, it has been wonderful for me – perhaps the best I can remember in recent years. We’ve been playing games, and watching the delights that are put on television especially for this handful of days surrounding the 25th of December.

One delight in particular, I think, will stick with me; one that really struck a cord, that I will remember this Christmas by, and remember it fondly. It was a little animated movie adaptation of The Gruffalo (about 30 minutes long), voiced by an all-star cast that included Helena Bonham-Carter as the narrator. It’s based on a book for children – a picture book, I beliebe – and the animation was wonderful, the characters cute, wide-eyed, and very much alive on the screen. And the voice acting was superb.

I think what was best about it was the simple beauty of the storytelling. It was not a very complicated plot: a mouse walks through the woods, and encounters dangers, and sees them off. But it used rhyme, and it used simple words, and it all came together to tremendous effect. A fantastic fable for Christmas time, with its audience huddled around a crackling fire.

It just brought home that you don’t need to use the widest vocabulary to achieve a powerful or compelling effect; you just need the right words for the right situation. You don’t need endless description; you just need the right words for the right situation. Here, with the Gruffalo, it came together perfectly, and I would recommend watching it on iPlayer if it’s possible for you to do so.

Christmas shopping has to be right up there with the most pleasurable, enjoyable things in the world. For me, at least, I know that shopping for things to give to your friends and your family is a lot of fun. I love the thrill of knowing you are surprising someone, and wondering whether they will like it or not.

A lot of people complain about the process, though. Moan about it, moan about the problems of buying for people. Not huge problems, but worrying over what to get: gifts for women, usually, can be particularly troublesome for men. It seems to me to be the case, anyway. And of course it then follows that if you’re a woman, it is often hard to buy gifts for men.

As a general rule, I just try not to worry about it too much. Isn’t it the thought that counts, more than anything? It is for me, but I suppose often people might not think that way. Personally, I often like something even more because it is something that a friend, or a brother, or a sister has picked out and chosen with me in mind. It’s that, often more so than the gift itself, that means the most.

Of course, if you really are worrying about something, there are guides out there: “Great Presents for Men”, and that sort of thing. And if you go shopping on websites like Amazon, there are tags and sections and labels which help break down every aspect of it.

To begin with, though, the best place is probably Google; from there you can search for anything from Christmas presents for kids, to obscure books, or old video games, to technical presents like USB devices and gifts & gadgets.

And then, once you have got something, you wait, and you wonder, and you hope that they like it. And there’s a magic even in that.